"My eyes don't work, paint me a word picture."
"Let's release the lobster back into the supermarket from whence it came."
"Ok, technical problems from last night have been resolved. Hair dryer plus toaster plus waffle iron equals boiling water."
"I think I'm getting loot glutes."
"I'm working on my mating list for when we have to repopulate the world."
"I already picked a corner for the bathroom. That one, where I went."
"Hit him in his handsome groin!"
"When I die I want you to cremate me and throw my ashes in Tom Selleck's face."
"Sorry, I'm saving my spit and blood for my honeymoon."
"Frowny face? All I've been is super nice to you and this is the thanks I get? I loved you, I loved you like a horse, which is my favorite animal. You know what, let's just stop before we both say something we'll regret, like that horses are better than cows. I regret that, but it's true."
"Maybe this cow is trying to communicate with us in the only way it knows how - with its feces."
"Turns out dad has been putting murdered cows in our hamburgers."
"And I'm going to get my gun license, finally."
"I mean I can do better, like Spiro Nagnew. Naggity Anne. Secretary of Nagriculture."
"Good job Mr. Frond, we were going to tell her on Father's Day, now we have NOTHING to do on Father's Day."
"What's that Nagatha Christie?"
"My grandparents are staying with us and they were both alive during prohibition so this is what it sounds like when they have sex in the room next to mine."
"I hope they're using protection because I am not taking care of that baby."
"I think my subconscious fears and budding sexuality are getting all mixed up so I think I'm being attacked by zombies and I start screaming, "You want to make out?" and I make out with it."
"No one sheds like this family, it's like a bunch of Chewbaccas."
"A fart is like a fingerprints and we have the same fingerprints."
"Your room looks like it was decorated by a perverted jockey."
"What kind of bees make milk? Boobies!"
"You're the worst kind of autistic."
"Hello and welcome to Bob's Burgers. The burger of the day is the child molester, it comes with candy."
"Listen, you're my children and I love you but you're all terrible at what you do here and I feel like I should tell you, I'd fire all of you if I could."